My name is Rya and I was born here in Seattle. I changed my name in 2021. It started with the name Ryan and eventually I dropped the “n” and I was like, that feels like me. The name means dream or free-flowing river and it’s based off of the Greek name “Rhea.” I love my name Rya. It feels very affirming. My given name from my parents was Tiffany. My parents had picked the name because they said they wanted a name that my grandma could pronounce, which is funny because in Taiwanese they don’t even have the “f” sound. When I had the name Tiffany, I honestly hated it. Even saying it now I get this creepy, crawly feeilng on my back I don’t like. I feel like I’ve been conflicted with my name my whole life. I think the name Tiffany a) never fit me, and b) carried and carries so much of my past trauma and the life that maybe was chosen for me rather than with me in mind. It was what my parents wanted for themselves so it just doesn’t feel like mine.

When I think of the name Tiffany, I think of that time when I was 14 years old and my parents were in the middle of a divorce. My brother, who is 5 years younger, was really struggling a lot and I was definitely like a surrogate mother or pseudo mother to him. My mom also was fighting breast cancer. Honestly at 14, I was a kid―14 is not terribly old and so to be responsible for my brother and basically my parents separated so then I had to fill in for my dad. I was in charge of making all the executive decisions for the household and paying the bills, finances, and household stuff. It was a really hard time and I felt like I needed support that I didn’t have, while needing to be the support for other people. I never really got a chance to be a kid, always having to be the adult in the house, even before my parents’ divorce. When I’ve asked my parents why they had me, the answer is always along the lines of “your mother was ill and we thought that she could use a little helper.” So I’ve sort of just walked around carrying the story of “I exist purely to serve my mother. I exist purely to help her and make her life easier and my life is not my own.” It was just like one of the hardest points of my life and all of that is very much embedded in the name Tiffany for me.

I selected this photo because I really wanted her to be seen and I think she really deserves to be seen. She did a lot for everyone even when she didn’t have much to give. I remember one day I had talked to my mom and I was like, “Hey mom, sometimes I feel like, I don’t know, maybe I shouldn’t exist and I don’t know what would happen if I disappeared,” and my mom was like, “Oh, everyone thinks about that.” And I think she was trying to normalize it, but it just felt really dismissive and so I think during that time, I just felt really invisible and I just feel a lot of sadness, grief. I carry her with me.